Surviving Insomnia Chapter 9: You Weren’t Meant to Do This Alone: Reconnection as a Key to Renewal

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Introduction: The Deep Weariness of Disconnection

Insomnia doesn’t just leave you tired. It can leave you feeling isolated—cut off from the people and rhythms that used to ground you. When your sleep is fragile, you may start to withdraw, turning inward to conserve energy or protect yourself from overwhelm. But ironically, this instinct to isolate—while understandable—can deepen your exhaustion.

What if one of the most powerful sources of renewal isn’t found in solitude, but in safe connection—with others, with animals, with nature, or even with a sense of something greater than yourself?

This chapter explores how reconnection can be a source of renewal. Drawing on Polyvagal Theory and Interpersonal Neurobiology, we’ll look at how connection helps regulate your nervous system and why it’s a foundation for calm and emotional well-being.

You’ll discover how even small moments of connection—like eye contact, touch, or shared presence—can have powerful effects. And you’ll find ways to reconnect that respect your nervous system, whether you’re introverted, overwhelmed, skeptical, or emotionally burned out.

This chapter focuses heavily on connecting with people. But human connection is not the only form of connection that provides renewal. If you have a tough time with people, you may find the sections Connection and Introversion: A Nervous System-Friendly Approach and When People Are Just Too Much: Connection without Humans especially helpful.

How Reconnection Renews You

Reconnection isn’t just about being social. It’s about restoring your sense of safety in the world by reaching out to the world around you for “neurobiological” support. 

When done intentionally, connection can:

• Downregulate your stress response and promote parasympathetic activity
• Soothe the emotional brain, especially the amygdala, which plays a leading role in hyperarousal
• Increase oxytocin, a bonding hormone that also has calming effects
• Rebuild a sense of identity, which can be eroded when insomnia makes you feel like a shell of your former self

And the best part? You don’t need a big social life or nonstop conversation to experience these benefits.

Tip: Co-regulation means letting someone else’s calm nervous system help guide yours. It’s one of the most direct ways to exit a stress state.

Science: Your Nervous System Is Wired for Connection

At the heart of Polyvagal Theory is a simple but profound idea: safety and connection calm the nervous system.

Remember from an earlier chapter that your autonomic nervous system has three main states:

• Ventral Vagal (safe, social, connected)
• Sympathetic (mobilized, anxious, ready for fight-or-flight)
• Dorsal Vagal (shut down, numb, disconnected)

When you’re running in a ventral vagal state, your body and brain receive the message: “You are safe. You can rest. You can connect.”

This is the social engagement system in action—a bundle of nerves that regulate your face, voice, heart, and lungs in ways that support safe, reciprocal human interaction. When activated, this system calms your heartbeat, softens your breath, and supports emotional regulation and trust.

But how does connection soothe us at the neurological level? The answer lies in a trio of powerful mechanisms:

• Mirror neurons (sometimes called “sponge neurons”) allow us to automatically and unconsciously reflect the emotional states of those around us. These neurons help us feel with another person—smiling when they smile, softening when they soften.
• Resonance describes the internal sense of attunement that occurs when two people are emotionally in sync. It’s not just metaphorical—it’s measurable in heart rate, facial expression, and even brainwave patterns.
• Co-regulation is the process by which one nervous system helps regulate another. When you’re near someone calm and grounded, your body begins to match their rhythm. This is especially true in safe, attuned relationships where trust is present.

Together, these systems form a biological feedback loop that tells your brain and body: “You’re not alone. You’re safe. You can let go.” In short, when our nervous system is going haywire, we can use connection and the calm nervous system of “others” (including animals and nature) to bring us renewal. 

The good news is that, if you are human (and I assume you are), apart from some severe psychiatric and neurodevelopmental disorders, you have the biological ability for connection. A built-in source of renewal. 

When Connection Feels Out of Reach: From Solitude to Renewal

But here’s the challenge: chronic insomnia often goes together with a dysregulated nervous system. Many people with insomnia live in a state of heightened arousal (sympathetic) or in a protective shut-down mode (dorsal vagal). In both states, connection can feel overwhelming, risky, or simply out of reach.

It’s common to retreat into solitude as a coping mechanism—especially when you’re exhausted. And in many ways, that makes sense. Being alone feels simpler. It limits stimulation and protects you from social demands you don’t feel equipped to meet. But what begins as a strategy for self-preservation can gradually become something else: isolation.

And isolation isn’t just lonely—it’s biologically depleting. Without the regulating influence of safe, reciprocal connection, your nervous system must carry the full load of emotional self-regulation on its own. That’s a heavy lift when you’re already sleep-deprived.

You might feel skeptical about reconnecting. You may doubt whether it will help or feel unsure how to begin. That’s okay. You don’t have to dive headfirst into social events or deep conversations. Small steps are enough.

Start with what feels safe. Start with presence. Connection doesn’t even have to involve people. Many find profound renewal in the presence of animals, in moments of awe in nature, or through emotions like compassion and gratitude. These too are forms of connection—ones that resonate deeply with the nervous system and invite it toward rest and restoration. 

Practical Strategies for Reconnection

You can reconnect in layers—starting small and building at a pace that feels safe. Here’s how:

1. Micro-Connections (Moments of “Social Vitamin C”)

• Make eye contact and smile at a barista
• Give someone a compliment
• Text a friend a meme or photo
• Chat with a neighbor about the weather
• Say, “thank you” and “you’re welcome,” and mean it. 
• Sit in a busy coffee shop or park just to absorb the presence of others and nature.

2. Intentional Rituals of Connection

• Call a friend at the same time each week
• Start a “Sunday night check-in” tradition with a sibling or partner
• Share one photo and one sentence with someone each day

3. Community-Based Soothing

• Join a low-key class, group walk, or shared hobby
• Attend a faith or spiritual service, even silently
• Volunteer for something simple—like folding programs or greeting at a door

4. Co-Regulation Practices

• Sit next to someone and breathe together
• Practice partner yoga or synchronized walking
• Use tone of voice to soothe each other (e.g., reading aloud, storytelling, singing)

Connection May Be Closer Than You Think

My wife and I were at a concert recently. A new venue opened close to our house where we live in Colorado Springs. And we decided to go to a concert together (without the kids) on a Wednesday night. Enjoying ourselves and feeling relaxed together—just the two of us—we were holding hands, sitting close with my arm around her and just being more physically affectionate. I felt closer to her than usual. In our day-to-day lives as two working professionals with a kindergartener and a middle schooler, we’re often busy and only take the time for a quick peck on our lips when headed out the door in the morning and another one as we turn out the lights at night.

However, sitting there appreciating being close to the woman I love, it occurred to me that I could have this connection any time I want. It was literally right in front of me. Instead of just a quick smooch on the way out the door, it could be a 15 to 30-second hug. Instead of brushing past each other as we go through our morning and evening routines, it could be a gentle touch. These insignificant things would increase the level of connection we have in our day-to-day lives without any meaningful depletion or “cost” in terms of time or energy. In fact, we both would find it to be a source of renewal.

I share this story because sometimes we think connection must come from something new or dramatic—a retreat, a heart-to-heart, or a momentous change. But often, connection is already within reach. It lives in the people we love but have stopped reaching toward. It lives in moments we overlook, or gestures we rush past. With attention and a little intention, we can turn everyday routines into tiny moments of connection and renewal.

Connection and Introversion: A Nervous System-Friendly Approach

If you’re introverted, neurodivergent, or socially exhausted, you might recoil at the idea of “more socializing.” Good news: reconnection doesn’t have to mean being extroverted.

The key is this: You don’t need lots of people—you need safe people. And sometimes, even the presence of others (without interaction) is enough to soothe your system.

Ways to reconnect (with humans) that respect your introverted nervous system:

• Be in shared spaces with others but focus inward (e.g., public libraries, coworking spaces)
• Choose 1:1 interactions over groups
• Use non-verbal connection: eye contact, shared silence, parallel play
• Connect through writing or art instead of speech

Remember: Reconnection isn’t about changing your personality. It’s about reawakening the part of your nervous system that knows how to feel safe and soothed in the presence of another living being.

When People are Just Too Much: Connection without Humans

Connection doesn’t have to involve people. For some, especially when emotionally raw, burned out, or introverted, connection with humans can feel like too much. Fortunately, your nervous system can also find regulation, resonance, and renewal through non-human relationships—whether with nature, animals, or experiences that invoke awe, compassion, or gratitude.

These forms of connection can offer profound calming and restorative effects because they speak to the same biological systems that help regulate stress and promote safety.

Ways to Connect Without People:

1. Nature-Based Renewal

• Spend time under trees, near water, or in open fields
• Watch clouds, birds, or sunrise/sunset with no agenda
• Garden, walk a trail, or sit barefoot on grass

2. Animal Companionship

• Spend quiet time with a pet or volunteer at an animal shelter
• Watch animal videos that evoke warmth and affection
• Engage in grooming, walking, or simply lying beside an animal

3. Spiritual or Existential Connection

• Practice a gratitude journal, focusing on small moments
• Listen to music that stirs awe or emotional depth
• Read poetry, sacred texts, or literature that expands your perspective

4. Sensory and Symbolic Practices

• Light a candle or sit quietly with a meaningful object
• Use scent (e.g., essential oils, nature smells) to evoke comfort
• Create a small altar or nature table as a symbol of grounding connection

Remember: The goal isn’t to force social interaction—it’s to awaken your nervous system’s ability to feel safe and connected in the world. People are just one (powerful) way to do that. But they’re not the only way.

Taking “Connective” Action:

Here is a straightforward way to begin introducing connection into your life. 

1. Each morning or evening this week, look at the connection strategies suggested earlier in the chapter. Choose one strategy you could try.
2. Thinking about the strategy you’ve chosen, where, when, and with whom will you use it to connect? 
3. If you have trouble with steps 2 and 3, take some time to ask yourself:
   1. What gets in the way of connection for me when I’m tired or anxious? 
   2. What would help soften those barriers?

Encouragement and Anticipatory Guidance

Reconnection isn’t always easy, especially when you’re tired, stressed, or unsure where to begin. But the longing to connect—to feel safe, seen, or soothed—is a sign your nervous system is still reaching toward healing.

You don’t have to fix everything or suddenly become more social. You can start with small acts of presence: a few deep breaths beside your dog, a smile at someone in line, or a hug that lasts a few seconds longer than usual. These moments matter.

Whether your entry point is human connection, time in nature, affection with a pet, or awe in the face of something beautiful, what matters most is this: that you begin to trust connection again as something that can renew you, not drain you.

In time, these small gestures will begin to rewire your nervous system toward safety—and sleep might just become more friendly, too.

Quick Summary

• Reconnection is a powerful and often overlooked form of renewal for those with chronic insomnia.
• Your nervous system is wired to respond to safety and social connection, thanks to the social engagement system and mechanisms like mirror neurons, resonance, and co-regulation.
• Many people with insomnia retreat into solitude, which can become isolating and depleting. Reconnection—when done gently—can restore emotional and physiological balance.
• Connection doesn’t have to be with people; nature, animals, and awe-inspiring experiences can also calm and regulate your nervous system.
• Small moments—eye contact, hugs, shared silence, or time in nature—can all help you feel safer, calmer, and more prepared for sleep.
• You don’t need to change your personality or force anything. You only need to start noticing opportunities for connection—and letting them in.